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Sex Talk
Why is Talking About Sex Embarrassing?
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If the thought about talking about sex brings a flush to your cheeks or a nervous flutter to your belly then don’t worry. You are not alone. Many adults are uncomfortable talking about sex, even with their own partners. But what gives us this discomfort? Is it something that’s evolved as part of our genetic makeup? Do we have deep-rooted fears of being seen as inadequate by others? Are we taught by society and our parents that it is the correct response to sex? Does it make sex seem more mysterious and seductive? What is the root cause of why we are embarrassed to talk about something that has been an integral part of the human experience?
If we continue to present to the next generations that sex is something that cannot be discussed without awkwardness and discomfort, there are a number of messages that goes with that and most of them do not set a positive tone for people feeling good about their bodies, themselves, how they care for their health. A study by Consedine, Krivoshekove, & Harris in 2007 found that those who had higher levels of embarrassment around their body tended to visit their health care professionals less often for routine health checks and reported even lower visits with medical professionals for sex-related conditions, even when symptoms are severe. Understanding why people can become embarrassed discussing sex and addressing any personal discomfort with it can help you relax as well as increase your sexual enjoyment.
The Brass Tax: What Causes Embarrassment?
Many researchers have considered embarrassment to have evolved as a mechanism to keep us safe from social ostracism. That the feelings of guilt or embarrassment appear to prevent us from taking some action that will lead us to lose status or other negative consequences. Most of the research conducted on what causes embarrassment highlights the failure to produce the desired or expected images in front of others. Social acceptance is a huge drive for us, particularly in our younger years, and this pressure can help shape many of our perceptions of what is acceptable to talk about. By the time we reach adulthood, many of these ideas have solidified to a pattern of behavior we have come accept will keep us from ridicule.
How we feel about ourselves also holds a lot of sway over what causes us to squirm in discomfort. If we hold doubts about our ability to perform in a given situation it will play into our fears of being negatively viewed. Women, in particular, seem to be more susceptible to embarrassment in general. They tend to report significantly higher levels of anxiety in interactions as well as reporting lower self-esteem and body esteem scores than males. Women have also reported higher levels of discomfort when in front of strangers, which indicates a stronger fear of judgment from men in general than any particular individuals close to them.
Although lower self-esteem and body esteem has been linked to feeling higher levels of embarrassment that’s not the whole picture. Research does suggest that the main source of the embarrassment is not caused by a person’s own lack of self-esteem but by their perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of others. Society models and reinforces all kinds of ideas that contribute to our embarrassment and ultimately control our behavior. It is not uncommon for us to think we will never respond in a conventional way when considering the hypothetical but once we enter the situation, many of us feel pressured to behave in the way others expect.
Social Pressures Making Sex Taboo
There are a lot of different reasons why society teaches us that sex is a taboo subject. A lot of these influences come from our culture and religious beliefs. People reinforce these behaviors because they want to remain good in the eyes of those who share their beliefs. Anything that falls outside of them can end up being regarded with suspicion or even ridicule. As children, we learn from our parents by their reactions what is considered acceptable and what is not.
Children are more likely to remember a conversation about sex that was charged with guilt and negative emotions from the parents than when things are discussed in an open and easy manner. Those memorable and charged conversations continue to impact us. We subconsciously model a lot of behavior that we see from our parents and unless we have taken the time to question these behaviors, or had some impactful event that would have changed them, we are likely to carry them forward. If your parents were awkward talking about sex and you have never really thought much about the subject, there’s a strong chance that you will find talking about it uncomfortable or embarrassing.
The water is further muddied by the subtext the media gives us about sexual interaction. Aside from depicting the awkwardness of discussing sex, the media is often filled with sexual innuendo. Characters in film and TV are often placed in suggestive situations where sex is inferred but not openly discussed. Many commercials rely on sexual innuendo to spark interest in their products even if their products have nothing to do with sexuality. The toilet paper brand Charmin has a number of commercials where they make sexual remarks or inferences about their toilet paper. In one commercial, the young bear is using binoculars to peep into a bathroom window of a neighboring house. When the young bear is confronted by the momma bear he says he’s looking at his main squeeze and they show the toilet paper. In another commercial for the same brand, the paper bear is looking suggestively at the momma bear who is sitting in a chair by the fire and stroking her hair. They play sexually suggestive music during this and then show the papa bear in the bathroom with the Charmin role.
Candy is another product that has no direct relation to sex but the advertising is often sexually charged. There is a candy commercial for Payday in which they use lots of sexually charged language and undress the bar from its wrapper, even adding a blur-out box where there would be genitals if it was a person.
All of this innuendo reinforces the idea that sex is meant to be secretive and alluded to but not discussed directly. The different pressures and messages from various aspects of society push us towards the idea that we should be uncomfortable and embarrassed talking about sex. That the topic isn’t fit for civilized or polite conversation. So should we just abandon all these notions and embrace the discussion with full enthusiasm? What else could be causing feelings of discomfort?
Embarrassment Emerging From Shame
Unfortunately, in our world, there are some situations where people are mistreated and have suffered at the hands of an abuser. Violence, particularly sexual violence, can create some complex emotions and a common one many survivors experience is shame. Sexual abuse is the ultimate violation of one’s body and can strongly impact how that person will view sexuality and the sexual experience. Many survivors will inherently feel that they are to blame even though they had no control or input on the abuse taking place. Talking about these feelings can be scary, intense, and cause the survivor to relive the experience so opening up on this topic is not exactly a walk in the park. Survivors can also be discouraged to voice their feelings since the average person tends to lack the knowledge of how to help create a safe and supportive environment for those conversations to happen.
Our society does not encourage conversations around sexual abuse and creating safe spaces for victims either. The feelings of shame and embarrassment that survivors tend to feel is often compounded by the victim-blaming culture found in much of North American society. Survivors of sexual abuse or assault who come forward are often publicly shamed, questioned with high scrutiny and distrust, and often re-traumatized by society and the legal system. With this type of response, it is no wonder that only 1 in 10 of them are reported to authorities even though 1 in 4 women will experience assault at some point in their life. With this kind of reaction to such a personal violation, it is no wonder that this would make sex a difficult and uncomfortable topic.
Exploring Your Own Reasons for Embarrassment
Getting over sexual embarrassment is a very personal journey. Understanding why you feel embarrassed is one of the first steps that will help you work through that discomfort. Take your time and don’t rush it. There are a number of steps you can take to help you open up and feel more secure. You are in charge of your own sexuality so you can feel free to keep it at a pace that you’re comfortable with. Keep learning about yourself, sexuality, and relationships.
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